Restoration...

This story is 4 years old, but I read it and it renewed my faith:

The Coble Family

They lost their 3 children (2 girls and 1 boy) in a car accident and a year to the date of the accident, they had triplets - 2 girls and 1 boy. Wow !!

A friend of mine just had a baby boy. Two years ago, she had a 2nd trimester miscarriage with her son that was due in March. Two years later, she's had a boy in March!

God must understand and is still in the business of miracles and restoration.

#thatisall

Awful but functioning...

For the four months and seven days that Ademide was here, my schedule and days were defined. I woke up, called to see how my son had been doing in the last 3 hrs since I called, I showered and went to his bedside. Then check his numbers, sats, FiO2, pressures, meds, nappies. Ward round, chat with docs about plans for the day. Pray for a quiet uneventful day, nappy change, pump, feeds, research medical jargon. Cuddles with my son. Bath time. Story/reading time. Physio. Ward round.

Now I have nothing to do. I wake up, shower, get dressed and sit at home. People keep asking "how are you?" "are you ok?" "are you bored?" how am I supposed to feel? My son died! He's not coming back. I'm ok, I'm functioning. Bored? "blank stare"

Miscarriages, infant loss (can't get over this term) my son isn't lost, he died. But I digress, neonatal death happens to a lot more people than you think. It's like a secret unspoken club, but once you qualify, suddenly the members open up and tell you about their loss. Sometimes others tell you about those that have had losses and then say but she has a little girl or boy now, so move on. It's only been 24 days, you just don't move on...

How do you answer the question "do you have children?" if you say yes, where is he? If you say no, it's like denying Ademide was here...

My personal favourite? Hurry up and have another child while you're still young... You'll feel better. Would it help? Maybe, at least maybe I wouldn't feel this horrible ache when I see mums with their babies or blissfully happy pregnant friends planning for their bundle of joy. But getting pregnant again comes with it's own stresses - the blissful ignorance is gone - ask any mom who's had a NICU baby, there are a million things that can go wrong and I am unfortunately aware of too many. Even a "textbook" pregnancy isn't all that, met a few moms in the cardiac ICU (CICU) at GOSH that had blissful pregnancies only to find their babies whisked away by ANTS (Acute Neonatal Transfer Service) hours after birth. Or even those that had blissful pregnancies, went home, had all the baby and toddler firsts only to take their 3 year old to the dr for flu like symptoms only to be blue lighted by CATS (Children's Acute Transfer Service) and to be told that your little perfect boy has cardiomyopathy and has 10 days to live...
The blissful ignorance is gone...like another DBM ( dead baby mom) put it you mentally consciously or unconsciously tag "if he / she lives" to thoughts about your children.

I cannot understand how people endure this without God, the only reason I still have hope and faith despite all these is because of Jesus. "In Christ alone my hope is found" that song just reminds me that no matter how bitter my situation is right now, there's hope and now I understand what the Bible means when it says we shouldn't mourn like those who don't have hope. Not that we shouldn't mourn at all, but even though weeping may endure, joy comes in the morning. I will have other children, I will be happy, I will be ok. But I will never forget Ademide.

I am the face....

This time last year, I was excited. I had just married a man that I love so much and we were going to have a baby! 

The biggest thing on my mind was if I would have a boy or a girl. On December 5, 2011, my life changed - my son was diagnosed with a right sided congenital diagphragmatic hernia. Three weeks later after seeing different specialists, I was told my son had a 10% chance of surviving if the only issue was the CDH, if anything else was found 0%.

My son was born premature on March 31, 2012 at 4.10am weighing 2.366kg.

He was eventually diagnosed with a Congenital Heart Defect, Tracheomalacia and Right Lung Hypoplasia amongst other issues.

He started off really well, then spent 10 days on ECMO life support, recovered, discussions about going home happened. Unfortunately, my son spent his 4 months and 7 days in the ICU.

My son died on August 7, 2012 at 6.05am. 

His name is Ademide 

The amniocentesis had come back normal, it was done twice at two independent locations. The genetics tests came back clear. Nothing I did caused it.

It was an unfortunate random event. 

I got a lifetime membership in a club that I never imagined I would join. 

I am forever changed...

The thought of my suffering and homelessness
is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this: The faithful love of the LORD never ends!
His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!” (Lamentations 3:19-24 NLT)