September 01, 2012

Awful but functioning...

For the four months and seven days that Ademide was here, my schedule and days were defined. I woke up, called to see how my son had been doing in the last 3 hrs since I called, I showered and went to his bedside. Then check his numbers, sats, FiO2, pressures, meds, nappies. Ward round, chat with docs about plans for the day. Pray for a quiet uneventful day, nappy change, pump, feeds, research medical jargon. Cuddles with my son. Bath time. Story/reading time. Physio. Ward round.

Now I have nothing to do. I wake up, shower, get dressed and sit at home. People keep asking "how are you?" "are you ok?" "are you bored?" how am I supposed to feel? My son died! He's not coming back. I'm ok, I'm functioning. Bored? "blank stare"

Miscarriages, infant loss (can't get over this term) my son isn't lost, he died. But I digress, neonatal death happens to a lot more people than you think. It's like a secret unspoken club, but once you qualify, suddenly the members open up and tell you about their loss. Sometimes others tell you about those that have had losses and then say but she has a little girl or boy now, so move on. It's only been 24 days, you just don't move on...

How do you answer the question "do you have children?" if you say yes, where is he? If you say no, it's like denying Ademide was here...

My personal favourite? Hurry up and have another child while you're still young... You'll feel better. Would it help? Maybe, at least maybe I wouldn't feel this horrible ache when I see mums with their babies or blissfully happy pregnant friends planning for their bundle of joy. But getting pregnant again comes with it's own stresses - the blissful ignorance is gone - ask any mom who's had a NICU baby, there are a million things that can go wrong and I am unfortunately aware of too many. Even a "textbook" pregnancy isn't all that, met a few moms in the cardiac ICU (CICU) at GOSH that had blissful pregnancies only to find their babies whisked away by ANTS (Acute Neonatal Transfer Service) hours after birth. Or even those that had blissful pregnancies, went home, had all the baby and toddler firsts only to take their 3 year old to the dr for flu like symptoms only to be blue lighted by CATS (Children's Acute Transfer Service) and to be told that your little perfect boy has cardiomyopathy and has 10 days to live...
The blissful ignorance is another DBM ( dead baby mom) put it you mentally consciously or unconsciously tag "if he / she lives" to thoughts about your children.

I cannot understand how people endure this without God, the only reason I still have hope and faith despite all these is because of Jesus. "In Christ alone my hope is found" that song just reminds me that no matter how bitter my situation is right now, there's hope and now I understand what the Bible means when it says we shouldn't mourn like those who don't have hope. Not that we shouldn't mourn at all, but even though weeping may endure, joy comes in the morning. I will have other children, I will be happy, I will be ok. But I will never forget Ademide.


  1. Even though i am not a mom yet, i understand where you coming. My mum lost a 19 yrs old son in 1999, and she is still not over the loss. She remembers his bdays and ask the "what if questions". God is your strenght

  2. Thank for your comment on my blog. I so relate to many things you wrote on your blog. I am so sorry that for this life on earth you will be separated physically from your son(it is so hard for me, too), but take heart in the resurrection of Jesus Christ and know that you will be reunited again someday.

  3. My heart aches for you. I wish we knew each other in person and I could just give you a big hug and a shoulder to lean on. I will continue to pray for you and your husband.

  4. I was at work and your blog just came up on my heart suddenly to catch up on your journey since Malta. Be encouraged Korede, I am consciously taking time out to pray and agree with you that God's strength is perfect in your weakness at these trying times. It is well with you Mrs A, Mama A.

  5. Korede, thanks for sharing. My mom is still not over her losses. I was named after my big sister that we lost and I never met. I think I was named this way so that people will forget but she did not forget. I know i don't have the right words but I think of you.

    Love you